| Saturday... Day time |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|03:31 pm] |
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| |  content | ] |
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An amazing night...
Today, by myself... filled with peace and gratitude.
Both for the wonderful experience and the fact that when I got home, I saw that our Dali Lama tickets had been delivered - I wasn't even sure that we were going to get them! Cool...
And facing the house with a renewed energy. FlyLady timer in hand... Dreaming of a living room... One with a couch... that more than one person can sit on... yeah...
If all goes well, we will be painting in May - yay! |
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| Well I'll be damnned... |
[May. 13th, 2004|10:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pleased | ] |
I have just tried, for the first time, chemically "shaving" my legs... it works!
All hail Avon and bless my local distributor! |
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| Land of Canaan |
[May. 13th, 2004|01:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | C-G-C-G-C-G-D | ] |
A few nights ago, I was over at Liz's house, playing her Fender. The only song I could remember the chords to was the Land of Canaan. Poor Mary who had to suffer thru renditions of Me & Bobby McGee - over and over again! |
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| When I See You Sky as a Kite |
[Oct. 14th, 2003|11:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Cure - Galore | ] |
Oh what a wonderful night!
I just got off the phone with a long lost friend… And when he asked me if I still dyed my hair a different color every other week, I laughed as one only does with someone who knew you when. I admitted that nothing permanent but I did put purple streaks in my hair before going out a couple of weeks ago.
We learned that from White Salmon, WA to Traxx Bar & Grill, we nearly crossed paths many times. He admitted he was divorced and I admitted that I was with a transsexual. And all was cool between us. He seemed so genuinely happy in his life and I glowed for him.
We talked about hearing The Cure on the Kodak commercial and pausing for the song that dragged us back to a softer moment in life, then the disappointment of feeling they were sell outs. He said to me, perhaps the song was so old, it was public domain.
We laughed, I got around to tell him about my cancer, my car, my life and the joys between and neither one of us was glamorous.
He spoke to me of the unfairness of a lover’s transition, and I said back that if life was fair then we would both be married with 2.5 kids and spending our weekends at the country club. He agreed.
He life sounds adventurous and free and I was a wee bit envious but mostly extremely happy for him and the choices that he has made.
We have lived a lifetime apart and I hope that we manage to stay in touch and I now want to find all the old videos we shot in high school. And I want to get my camcorder going. And I want to breathe in the life - and I want to live. And I want to recover. I want to learn to swim, and I want to canoe Hoods Canal at the next Women’s Own and I want to sea kayak and I want to dance.
R should be out of the hospital soon, maybe even tomorrow. When I saw him tonight, he must have been really drugged out because he was really out of it.
I can’t find Xena anywhere. At over 18”, you think that I would be able to find her. *sigh* bad iguana. I’ll just have to keep it hot and see if she chooses to come out when someone is here. |
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| Tasting Fear |
[Oct. 7th, 2003|10:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
I did that thing one is not supposed to do without doctor’s permission. I stopped taking my anti-depressants. You see, I wasn’t connecting with my cancer. Rather, I was languishing in state of denial and as my surgery date approaches, I felt I really had to feel something about it.
It took 7 days and I was there. I spoke the words aloud to another person and choked back tears. They can say I will be fine after the hysterectomy all they want to but truth be known, they won’t know until they start cutting me open. It may be already to late for me.
Ironically, it was not wanting to be dead that got me to the doctor in the first place. Prozac is amazing - my first thoughts were along the lines of “wow!, Is this how everyone else feels all the time?”
Then life started crashing…
6/3/03 - Rex goes from healthy lizard to dead lizard in 20 hours, he dies on my lap on the way to the vet. I say he was healthy because the vet set that other than being dead, he was a perfectly healthy iguana
6/13/03 - R’s truck is stolen, it was recovered 3 days later, they broke the stereo (the faceplate was not on it) and stole the battery
6/19/03 - My pap tests came back abnormal so I go in for a biopsy
6/24/03 - In a fit of testosterone induced violence, R bruises me and breaks his leg kicking the door shut to prevent me from fleeing for my life. I tell him that the only reason that I am staying is that with the broken leg I don’t feel threatened and if he would’ve pulled that crap in front of my daughter I would have had him put in jail.
6/30/03 - Driving alone back from Wenatchee, I have an epiphany about my relationship. I realized that I am still in love with T and am only with R so I can have these moments of T. I realize that if I want to make this work, I have to let go of T and accept her as him.
6/27/03 - Discover that Riley’s checks had been stolen out of the truck, bad checks and bounce fees kill a lot of money we didn’t have to spare. Think everything is OK now
7/1/03 - I am heading home with 2 mice for our friend’s snake and one for my daughter’s snake. I just found a new place to buy feeders with lots of color variety and at a great price. I was on 320th heading toward Peasley Canyon. I was making all the greens and for once, my hands were at 10 & 2, no radio, cell phone or food, totally focused on driving. I saw a car coming from the other direction make a left onto I-5, plenty of time, I thought. Then another car came, I tapped my breaks, cutting it close, I thought. I was within 5-10 feet of the intersection when a white Ford Bronco goes to make the left turn. I hit my breaks and attempt to avoid impact by swerving to the right. The SUV is too close.
All the medical professionals asked me for the next few weeks was “Did you lose consciousness?” Nope, I saw the whole thing. I watched as my passenger side front crumpled into the white vehicle, that way-too-close vehicle was what I saw for days afterward, whenever I closed my eyes. I next got to see the passenger-side air bag deploy. It was much smaller than I thought it would be and then BANG there went my airbag as I simultaneously felt my seat belt cutting into my flesh. My car died and come to a stop.
A man who was in the vehicle behind the woman who failed to yield came towards me talking on his cell phone. He opened my door -
“Are you OK?”
“The light was green”
“Yes, the light was green, are you OK?”
“I can’t see”
“Ok, better, I have mice”
“Mice, you know, squeak-squeak?”
“Should I get out?”
“Not yet, wait until the paramedics get here.”
There is a DOT employee right there at the light who saw it all, immediately pulled over, put on her vest and began directing traffic. The EMT’s came, poked me in the ribs a few times declared me OK and a sexy butch police office had me sit in the back of her car.
It was then, I could see my vehicle. You can see it, too:
http://www.geocities.com/jasperjamie/echo.html
I couldn’t believe I walked away from it. Of course, shock is a powerful drug. The next day I was at the emergency room, I was severely bruised by seatbelt and air bags but nothing broken. I was still refusing pain meds at that point. By the 10th, I was requesting them, Napaxen rocks! I was on it for a good month. I got some great massage therapy and hoping to settle soon. The car was totaled. I haven’t had the heart to replace her yet. I needed them as my daughter’s birthday party was the next day. I wound up missing most of the month of July at work
7/3/03 - biopsy results back, bad, will need a LEEP
7/30/03 - have the LEEP, surprisingly, it was better than the biopsy, but then again, it could be due to the valium.
8/06/03 - Pathology reports back after LEEP, I have cancer. My doc calls to tell me this at work. I will either need a cold cone biopsy that may or may not get it all or a hysterectomy that should likely get it all
9/15/03 - consult with surgeon, states I have 2 types of cancer that they can tell from the biopsy, hysterectomy is recommended. R gets me so stressed out in the waiting room that my auto accident pain comes back. Set surgery date for 10/29
9/30/03 - Getting tabs for R’s truck, it does not pass emissions, spend the anniversary of our commitment ceremony with L and her hubby as he tries to fix car. They live in Fall City. R declines to go.
10/1/03 - Get extension on tabs
10/3/03 - Leave for weekend camp with the older girl scouts, this means my daughter will not be going with us. I found out one has a boyfriend she kisses, they all know way too much about drugs and sex and The Ramones are still cool. When I left, R was complaining of stomach cramps. I was coldly bitching about how he always manages to be sick before I am to leave for a scouting weekend.
10/5/03 - Back from the trip, Riley is still in pain. Take him to the hospital - he is immediately admitted with pancreatitis. He is still there. He was happy because he got ice chips today.
And today, I have a cold. I have no sick leave due to the car accident & need what little I have for recovery after surgery.
I miss M but since her birthday gift isn’t quite finished yet I am glad I will be seeing her this weekend.
I am back on the Prozac, getting back to numb. |
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| Friday In Love |
[Aug. 22nd, 2001|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
I proved to R/t* that I CAN be romantic. Saturday marked 4 years of sobriety - and he had been pouting for 3 days because he thought I had forgotten about it. *grin*
I had went to the local alono club and picked up a the coolest coin I could find. The trip for that was a strange one. People in recovery make me nervous - I'm not sure why - they just do. I went in, chose the one I wanted, paid for it and left. I prayed the entire time that no one would talk to me - they didn't.
R had asked that I go to the Muckleshoot birthday meeting with him to get a coin and do whatever ritual they do there (some power circle or something - not that I had never participated in circle magick, I just hadn't done it with those odd recovery folks). That event is at the very end of the month and I wanted to do something for his actual anniversary - especially since I had a Seahawks game to attend with my father the afternoon of that day.
Well, remembering my promise and the shiny tri-plate coin in my purse, I conned R into going to the Muckleshoot casino. I was really nervous that I wouldn't be able to get him to go but after some not-so-subtle urging, we got ready to go.
I don't know what I was thinking, but by the time I was done, I looked positively goth. It was awesome - especially when R didn't cringe at the deep purple lipstick. In fact, he looked at me with intrigue. Again, the guilt washed over me as I wondered how much of his attitude was based on my own perceptions rather than his actual feelings. I had underestimated him again.
So we went to the casino - it was magic, pure magic. We talked and laughed. We were so into each other. We had dinner first - the food left much to be desired but we shared a "moment": about the only edible item at the buffet was the prime rib - and although the taste was good, it was very rare - in fact, it was the closest I had ever come to eating raw meat. We were discussing it when at one point, we turned to each other and said "Mooooooo!" in unison. We erupted into laughter and moved onto the slots.
My luck wasn't there but R managed to win back all the money I was losing. At exactly midnight, I asked the time (so luck was with me after all) and when he told me the time, I said, "well then, happy birthday!" and I handed him the coin with a kiss - even more of a surprise with the days of pouting. *Grin* I noted that I had given him a coin the Muckleshooot on his birthday.
We ended the evening with a trip to the gift shop, where R bought me this headlight cz ring - all sparkle and flash. R knows my weakness for costume jewelry.
Baubles aside, it is so good to be "in love".
*note: I am working to step away from the "T" as s/He becomes more comfortable working on identity and I work at the acceptance thereof (as if there is a choice). |
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| Animimi thinks I should write tonight |
[Aug. 6th, 2001|10:35 pm] |
But I don't really have that much to say. And maybe that is why she thinks I need to write.
Life is stable. I lost it with the kids outside. T was calling me back like a was a pitbull in danger of biting. At least I made one cry... the parents came out... I don't think they speak much english but it was understood that I was the crazy kid-hating lady on the block.
And it is not that I hate kid - these aren't even children - these are the wild, unattended spawn being raised by crackhead idiots. Hey lady! Do ya think you can put down the pipe and maybe supervise your kids for an hour? I thought not.
T got her first big payment. She is buying and shopping and she is still feeling empty about it. She doesn't know what she needs - nor do I. I want to help her. I do love her...
And she has dropped WHATIDID and moved on. I still feel so guilty and ashamed about it. I can make all the excuses I want to but they are meaningless. It was the wrong thing to do and the wrong way to go about it.
So...
I am trying to let it go and move on. T hasn't scheduled therapy. I am sort of glad. I have never been to therapy - and I don't want to go. I might get diagnosed as being as crazy as I am. I have had 2 panic attacks in 3 weeks. I don't like them but at least I recognize them when I have them.
We still haven't found a new place to live yet. I want a new place to live. I can't take the kids anymore. It seems like there are 20 of them... I am sure there are only 10, but they make the noise of 40.
Guess I had something to write about afterall... |
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| A Stray Thought Released |
[Aug. 1st, 2001|12:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Cure ~ Galore | ] |
... So I get this Cure CD today, because I am sure, at some point in the late 80's, I had a copy of Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me but damned if I can find it now...
... And the first song on this compilation album is Why Can't I Be You and I was transported back to this stupid dance they had at the local roller rink just before school started. I must have been 16 or 17 at the time. And I remember that I went with my friend Kay and I remember that she put black and blue streaks in her hair and I had pink (always the femme) streaks in mine...
... And I remember that we danced to that song there. But what I also remember is slow dancing with some guy there and him pressing into me so I could feel him hard against me. I thought it was repulsive and inappropriate. And I also thought that it was the cost of heterosexuality. It wasn't the first time, nor was is the last but never felt quite right about it...
... And I just thought that particular memory was interesting because these days, in bio-boys, I still find it disgusting - but it is just about the hottest thing a butch can do. I love the elements of contradiction and surprise and genderfuck... |
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| Insanity... |
[Jul. 30th, 2001|12:46 am] |
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... is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. |
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| Guarded |
[Jul. 25th, 2001|12:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | REM on SNL | ] |
... |
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